Over twenty years ago, I was shocked to be diagnosed with a small brain tumour. At first it was unclear whether it was benign or malignant. This cancer seemed to have come out of nowhere. Suddenly my body felt like a dangerous place, a war zone, invaded by unfriendly cells that were acting under cover. There was no safe place to run. I couldn't see or feel or touch my tumour. It was only detectable by MRI and blood tests. Aside from gruesome headaches, there were no perceivable symptoms. However, the possibility of having to endure surgery, radiation and chemotherapy frightened me even more than the diagnosis.
Working as a specialist in MIND/BODY medicine [NLP, Kinesiology, Naturopathy/Osteopathy], my diet, exercise and general life style were exemplary. There was no physical reason to explain the cause of this tumour. So I delved into the medical libraries to research the most up-to-date information I could find. I discovered that my particular tumour was very common, occurring in at least 1 out of 10 people. These tumours seemed to have some direct relationship to stress levels. Not surprisingly, with the additional stress of the diagnosis, my first tests indicated an increasingly active tumour! And so my journey began, exploring every angle, every treatment, and every possible way to heal I could find.
I was extremely lucky to develop a great relationship with an understanding specialist, who allowed me to follow alternative treatments rather than have surgery or take the medical drugs that were recommended. We made an agreement that if my symptoms and tests indicated greater activity of the tumour, we would reassess the situation and take other measures. Sometimes it took all my persuasive skills of NLP to negotiate with him when my blood test results kept rising, but after a year or so, they leveled.
Because my tumour was so deeply hidden, sometimes it didn't feel real. While it was easy to believe I could heal a cold, or a cut finger, something as complicated as cancer felt off the scale impossible. Not knowing what had caused this cancer to appear, how could I know what could help? Even worse, there was no way of knowing whether it would get worse or not. One of the first 'turn-arounds' in my thinking however, was when a friend suggested that I visualize my tumour as being the same as a cut finger. Just as I could trust that my body could heal a small cut, I could trust that my body could rectify these aberrant cells. After all, since my body had created this tumour, it knew exactly how to un-create it.
'There is no order of difficulty in miracles. One is not harder or bigger than another. They are all the same. All expressions of love are maximal.'
From the book "A Course in Miracles"
Every thought we think and every feeling we feel releases different chemicals and messages into our body. We create our bodies from moment to moment. It is our habitual thoughts and feelings that create our health or ill health. It is so easy to delude ourselves that a problem is nothing to do with us, or that we've dealt with it, when in fact, all we have done is cover it over. It is often the hidden thoughts and beliefs that continue creating an illness. But everything that happens is an opportunity for healing.
When I was healing my brain tumour, an important mistake I had to keep correcting was thinking that the tumour was the problem. A physical illness - whether it is cancer, or a cold, can be measured in the body, but the problem does not originate in the body. It is our thoughts that lead to the creation of the problem. If we focus on only the symptoms of a disease, we will not find a true solution. What is needed is a change of perception. When the mind is healed and at peace, then the problem on the physical plane becomes irrelevant and the way to heal the thoughts becomes clear.
'Miracles are thoughts'
From the book "A Course in Miracles"
Everything is thought. We create reality by writing the scripts according to our beliefs. The Holy Spirit does not write our scripts or cause things to happen to us. The Holy Spirit gives us that free will and joins with us in our scripts, but always uses the scripts to teach us another way of looking at things. If we could monitor our thoughts more carefully and become more aware, if we could let go of our scripts long enough to be still, perhaps we could hear what we need to know, and act from peace. If we can change our thinking, miracles can happen.
On a superficial level, I felt that my brain tumour was the most unfair thing that could have happened to me. All I had ever wanted was to have a loving relationship, with healthy children - a happy family. My tumour not only invaded my relationship but also caused infertility. Even I couldn't miss this strange coincidence!
Looking deeper, I slowly discovered layers upon layers of psychological factors that required gentle resolution. Issues to do with heartbreaks, fear of sacrifice, fear of commitment, and fear of being a mother. Working with friends and therapists for several years, helped to unravel the complicated thought structures. It took a long time to finally realize that the deepest layers of my unconscious mind were so full of fear that in fact, the last thing in the world I really wanted was a 'relationship and children'! No wonder my body had created a tumour so perfectly designed to do as I (unconsciously) asked.
'Miracles are natural. When they do not occur, something has gone wrong.'
From the book "A Course in Miracles"
For many years, I used to think that if I did everything 'right', then my tumour would disappear. But what I didn't realize was that my intense desire to make it go away, was actually investing in making my tumour real. This kind of confusion and attachment to getting some kind of result is very common. Many of us focus on what we want, whether it is getting rid of symptoms or having a perfect health or solving some problem, and think if we do everything right, it will magically happen. But this is a trap! If it doesn't happen the way we want it, we feel like we have failed. We are too invested in the externals of life. The real investment needs to be our peace of mind. A real solution is the miracle of forgiveness, love and joining.
Krishnamurti once said that if you want to make something holy, put the object on your mantelpiece, and worship it everyday. Bring it flowers, light a candle, put incense around it, chant some mantras and it will soon become holy for you, not because there is any inherent holiness in it, but merely because you have given it that holiness by believing it to be holy.
Whenever we invest our minds like this and become attached to some outcome or result, we make that more important than God. Sometimes we have this mantelpiece in our minds on an unconscious level without realizing it. We don't even know that we have these attachments. When I finally let go of needing my tumour to disappear, when I finally accepted that it would probably be with me to the end of my days, when I regarded it as my friend and teacher, when I felt gratitude for the motivation it had given me to change my life and my thinking, when I had forgiven all the people I had grudges with, then it melted away!
Many health problems reveal a lack of forgiveness. There is someone or something we are holding a grudge against (sometimes ourselves, or God). Often these grudges began long long ago, before we had the ability to understand or view things from a better perspective. They can even be passed down the ancestral tree. Not long after I was diagnosed, my mother told me that my grandmother had died of a sudden brain tumour at 34 years old. Although my grandmother's tumour was quite different to mine, the thoughts that created it may have been similar.
To heal often requires that we move away from problem solving long enough to be able to monitor our thoughts. We need to let go of our needs long enough to be still, and listen. We need to turn within and ask for help. We need to forgive and rekindle our relationship with a higher power. Miracles of healing are never created alone.